I know I'm a blog slacker, but I was shocked to see my last blogging was in May!!
Okay, I was tagged at another blog. Here are the two tags:
Five Things That Make Me Happy
1. Babies
2. Sunshine
3. Snow
4. Clean sheets
5. Thinking about Maui
Seven Facts About Moi
1. On my recent cruise I did not gain any weight at all
2. I'm finally starting to feel like a pretty good singer
3. I wear two toe rings
4. I cannot stick up my right pinky finger (never have been able to do so)
5. My natural hair color is now dark brown
6. I voted on everything on my ballot except for the judges
7. I was recently one of the "stars" of a hypnotist's show!!
That's all for now. . .
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
It's been a long time
I haven't been good about this at all. So, what's new, different or challenging in my life? Let's see.
1. My beloved baby Ben (my Pomeranian) is at the vet's right now. Losing his "manhood." He brings me such joy. I love that dog beyond words.
2. Jesse, a friend of my daughters', is living with us for a while. She is pregnant, 17. Bad family situation. She is getting an abortion next week. I support her right to make that choice. But it makes me sad, too.
3. Quiera quit her job two days ago. I have no idea what she's going to do. And as of Monday, she is no longer covered under our insurance.
4. Tia is doing okay, but just had another bout of migraines. She's trying a new med to try and prevent them. Don't know yet if it will work. She is being a total slouch with school work, and is going to end up with several incompletes, I believe. I don't know what is wrong with her. And neither does she.
5. Found out last week that my brother's wife, Shannon, has breast cancer. She's already had a double mastectomy and her first round of chemo. She is very brave, and definitely a fighter. Her prognosis is not good, but she intends to beat it.
6. My health is so-so. Had lots of chest discomfort for a while, but that's better right now. Currently I'm having more problems with fatigue (I don't seem to have energy bursts at all anymore) and musculoskeletal pains. I had an EEG and brain MRI recently to be sure I wasn't having seizures, and my brain scored an A+ in health, with no problems at all, which is good news. I see my sarcoid dr. next week.
7. Quiera and Chris both have a birthday on Monday 12th. I have no clue what I'm going to do for either of them. Qui will be 19, Chris will be 43.
8. I've been doing a LOT of scrapping and papercrafting. I think I'm up to 20 layouts so far this year, and more than ten cards.
Now something just for fun. Saw this on another blog. The endings are mine.
A bird in the hand ... will poop on you
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a... spending a lot at the gas station
A miss is as good as a... miss
A penny saved is... not worth much
A rolling stone... might be going downhill
An idle mind is... probably mine
As you shall make your bed, so shall you... say "Ah, clean sheets!"
Better late than... way too early
Better to be safe than.. not
Children should be seen and not... obnoxious
Don't bite the hand that... is at the end of your own arm
Don't count your chickens...because they move all the time so it's too hard
Don't put off till tomorrow what you... can put off until next week
Early to bed, early to rise... how dreadful!
Happy the bride who... doesn't go into debt for the wedding
I think, therefore I... speak; no filter!
If at first you don't succeed... maybe you're not meant to
If you can't stand the heat... why are you in the sauna?
If you lie down with dogs, you'll... get up covered in hair
It's always darkest before... your eyes adjust
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... I'll give you a kleenex
No news is... boring!
Never underestimate the power of... stupidity
The grass is always greener... in Washington
The pen is mightier than the... pencil
The squeaking wheel gets... annoying
To err is human... to forgive is much, much harder
Two's company, three's... kinky
Where there's smoke, there's... a cigarette
You can lead a horse to water, but... hei might kick you
You have nothing to fear but...spiders
That's all for now.
1. My beloved baby Ben (my Pomeranian) is at the vet's right now. Losing his "manhood." He brings me such joy. I love that dog beyond words.
2. Jesse, a friend of my daughters', is living with us for a while. She is pregnant, 17. Bad family situation. She is getting an abortion next week. I support her right to make that choice. But it makes me sad, too.
3. Quiera quit her job two days ago. I have no idea what she's going to do. And as of Monday, she is no longer covered under our insurance.
4. Tia is doing okay, but just had another bout of migraines. She's trying a new med to try and prevent them. Don't know yet if it will work. She is being a total slouch with school work, and is going to end up with several incompletes, I believe. I don't know what is wrong with her. And neither does she.
5. Found out last week that my brother's wife, Shannon, has breast cancer. She's already had a double mastectomy and her first round of chemo. She is very brave, and definitely a fighter. Her prognosis is not good, but she intends to beat it.
6. My health is so-so. Had lots of chest discomfort for a while, but that's better right now. Currently I'm having more problems with fatigue (I don't seem to have energy bursts at all anymore) and musculoskeletal pains. I had an EEG and brain MRI recently to be sure I wasn't having seizures, and my brain scored an A+ in health, with no problems at all, which is good news. I see my sarcoid dr. next week.
7. Quiera and Chris both have a birthday on Monday 12th. I have no clue what I'm going to do for either of them. Qui will be 19, Chris will be 43.
8. I've been doing a LOT of scrapping and papercrafting. I think I'm up to 20 layouts so far this year, and more than ten cards.
Now something just for fun. Saw this on another blog. The endings are mine.
A bird in the hand ... will poop on you
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a... spending a lot at the gas station
A miss is as good as a... miss
A penny saved is... not worth much
A rolling stone... might be going downhill
An idle mind is... probably mine
As you shall make your bed, so shall you... say "Ah, clean sheets!"
Better late than... way too early
Better to be safe than.. not
Children should be seen and not... obnoxious
Don't bite the hand that... is at the end of your own arm
Don't count your chickens...because they move all the time so it's too hard
Don't put off till tomorrow what you... can put off until next week
Early to bed, early to rise... how dreadful!
Happy the bride who... doesn't go into debt for the wedding
I think, therefore I... speak; no filter!
If at first you don't succeed... maybe you're not meant to
If you can't stand the heat... why are you in the sauna?
If you lie down with dogs, you'll... get up covered in hair
It's always darkest before... your eyes adjust
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... I'll give you a kleenex
No news is... boring!
Never underestimate the power of... stupidity
The grass is always greener... in Washington
The pen is mightier than the... pencil
The squeaking wheel gets... annoying
To err is human... to forgive is much, much harder
Two's company, three's... kinky
Where there's smoke, there's... a cigarette
You can lead a horse to water, but... hei might kick you
You have nothing to fear but...spiders
That's all for now.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
My Disney Alter Ego
is Sleeping Beauty. Makes perfect sense to me, since I sleep so much. Except when I'm supposed to be sleeping. Like now, for instance.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Scrapping and Cooking
Today I actually completed two more layouts. I also worked on decorative elements for my scrappy room. I love being in there!
This evening I cooked vegan shepherd's pie for tomorrow's dinner. I also made blackberry and apple crumble (vegan), and vegan spring rolls. The spring rolls were delicious! Very simple. Just filled the ready-made wrappers with cabbage, carrots, onions, mushrooms and bok choy. I cooked the onions and mushrooms first, but not the other veggies. I also put faux meat (Yves brand crumbles) in some of them. The weird thing is, I don't like cabbage or carrots - so this is a great way for me to eat those vegetables!
I'm still trying really hard to eat vegan, though I cheat more than I would like. Mostly for a cookie, or some candy. But the big things I don't cheat on. No milk, no cheese, no eggs (other than what's in the cheats), no meat. I'm still trying to decide if I actually feel better.
This evening I cooked vegan shepherd's pie for tomorrow's dinner. I also made blackberry and apple crumble (vegan), and vegan spring rolls. The spring rolls were delicious! Very simple. Just filled the ready-made wrappers with cabbage, carrots, onions, mushrooms and bok choy. I cooked the onions and mushrooms first, but not the other veggies. I also put faux meat (Yves brand crumbles) in some of them. The weird thing is, I don't like cabbage or carrots - so this is a great way for me to eat those vegetables!
I'm still trying really hard to eat vegan, though I cheat more than I would like. Mostly for a cookie, or some candy. But the big things I don't cheat on. No milk, no cheese, no eggs (other than what's in the cheats), no meat. I'm still trying to decide if I actually feel better.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
My Sweet Blooms
Another layout from this weekend. I'm very, very pleased with how this one turned out. Each flower that forms the frame is actually four punched flowers stuck together to give the effect of one, full bloom. The letters were cut using my Cricut machine (speaking of which, I really need more cartridges for it; I still only have the George one that it comes with). This challenge was to create a layout using only paper, and it was way more difficult than you would think!
The Funky Toilet
The most "out there" of the layouts I did this weekend is this one: "The Funky Toilet." The photos are of a toilet on an island called Hornby, which is off of the west coast of Vancouver Island, in Canada. This toilet is built and maintained by the community, and it is very quirky, and very clean too, I might add. The challenge I did this layout for was to make a layout using at least one circle, at least one decorative edge, and photo turns if possible.
Here is one of the layouts I did this weekend. I'm real pleased with how they turned out.
This first one is "Tia: All Girl." It was for a challenge to do a brown and pink layout, and those are the only colors here (other than a few tiny bits of white on the papers and embellies). I added some sugar coating (glitter) to the tag and paper.
This first one is "Tia: All Girl." It was for a challenge to do a brown and pink layout, and those are the only colors here (other than a few tiny bits of white on the papers and embellies). I added some sugar coating (glitter) to the tag and paper.
What I've been up to
Oh, I've been so bad, not keeping up with this blog. I go in spurts.
I recently finished appearing in the play "Anton In Show Business." I played the character Casey, a New York actress, very serious about her craft, unattractive yet with a very active
sex life, battling breast cancer. It was a GREAT part, one I had wanted to play for a while, and
I loved the entire experience. We performed for three weekends, and last weekend was my first free one in a while, between performing and rehearsals. But oh, I miss it! It was just a wonderful time for me, and I had so many moments when I thought to myself: "THIS is why I love acting!"
My sister came to visit for a week while I was in the show, and she got to see it twice. It was so lovely having her here. Rebecca is her name. She lives in Tucson, and I live outside of Seattle, so we definitely don't get to see very much of each other. While she was here, we painted my "office." It was a dreadful blue mess. Now it has a pale yellow ceiling, and these amazing bright
green walls. And it is now my scrapbook room! I'm so glad we did it. I never would have got it done without Rebecca. She did tons of work. She was the foreman, and I was the laborer; I just did what she told me to do! Tia, my 16 year old daughter helped out a lot, too.
Anyway, I will post photos of my lovely new room soon. I still have some things to do. I want to put a fabric "skirt" around the tables. And I need curtains for the window. I also have artwork to
hang. But all my scrappy supplies are organized and in containers. And I LOVE creating in there!
In fact, this weekend I did FOUR layouts and a card!!
In other news: I was unable to continue my prednisone taper, as my pain was getting worse with
each drop in dose. I saw my MD last week, and he has started me on methotrexate (which is a scary sounding drug, most known as part of chemo). I also have to be on folic acid to prevent anemia, and starting next month I'll have to take an antibiotic also, as the methotrexate can cause a certain type of pneumonia! All of this just to see if, with this drug added, I'll be able then to either get off of the prednisone, or at least get under 10mg a day. You know, this disease really sucks!!
So the new drug is only once a week. I took my first dose on Friday, and so far so good. I got real nauseous Friday evening, but I think it was psychological. A couple of days of major fatigue, but I have a lot of that anyway. We will see.
Since my sister's visit, I have been eating vegan almost all the time. I have had no meat at all, and no dairy, and no eggs. Okay, other than the tiny bit of dairy in M&Ms, which have been my one cheat! I have had fish four times, but that is all. I'm eating loads of veggies (who, me?), making lots of stir fry dishes with sobe noodles, just a little fake meat (Yves brand, really good),
and a variety of veggies. Yum! I've found this really satisfying. My coffees are all soy lattes, now.
And desert is mostly soy yogurt with some vegan animal crackers. I should point out that my diet until now has mostly been fair to poor, and veggies were not a common food for me. So I'm
pretty pleased about this. And it's been almost four weeks. I haven't had any cake in that time. Wow! Othere than the VEGAN cupcakes I made, of which I only had three or four over several
days. Amazing. Over the last week I have actually purchased the following veggies: squash, zucchini, onions, Japanese eggplant, bok choy, mushrooms, asparagus, bamboo shoots and water chesnuts! I think someone else has taken over my body. . . this is not me at all!! My dh laughed
today when I came home from Wally Mart with three different types of noodles!!
So, why am I doing this? To see if I feel better. And to lose weight. So far, I do feel somewhat
better. I certainly feel virtuous! I HAD lost 7 pounds, but I was up 3 lbs today. However, I think most of that is fluids, as my face was very swollen today. In fact, when I smile big or laugh, my eyes almost disappear between my fat cheeks and my swollen eyelids. Maybe I'll take a diuretic tomorrow. I took one last week and lost FOUR POUNDS in a couple of hours! Can you believe that?
Going back to the performing. . . I will be in a show again next month. It is called "What Is This Thing Called Love?" and it is a cabaret type perfomance. Yes, I will be singing. In fact, this will be the most solo/duet singing I've ever done. I'm excited about it. I'll post more when I know more.
Well, that's a pretty long post, and enough for now.
I recently finished appearing in the play "Anton In Show Business." I played the character Casey, a New York actress, very serious about her craft, unattractive yet with a very active
sex life, battling breast cancer. It was a GREAT part, one I had wanted to play for a while, and
I loved the entire experience. We performed for three weekends, and last weekend was my first free one in a while, between performing and rehearsals. But oh, I miss it! It was just a wonderful time for me, and I had so many moments when I thought to myself: "THIS is why I love acting!"
My sister came to visit for a week while I was in the show, and she got to see it twice. It was so lovely having her here. Rebecca is her name. She lives in Tucson, and I live outside of Seattle, so we definitely don't get to see very much of each other. While she was here, we painted my "office." It was a dreadful blue mess. Now it has a pale yellow ceiling, and these amazing bright
green walls. And it is now my scrapbook room! I'm so glad we did it. I never would have got it done without Rebecca. She did tons of work. She was the foreman, and I was the laborer; I just did what she told me to do! Tia, my 16 year old daughter helped out a lot, too.
Anyway, I will post photos of my lovely new room soon. I still have some things to do. I want to put a fabric "skirt" around the tables. And I need curtains for the window. I also have artwork to
hang. But all my scrappy supplies are organized and in containers. And I LOVE creating in there!
In fact, this weekend I did FOUR layouts and a card!!
In other news: I was unable to continue my prednisone taper, as my pain was getting worse with
each drop in dose. I saw my MD last week, and he has started me on methotrexate (which is a scary sounding drug, most known as part of chemo). I also have to be on folic acid to prevent anemia, and starting next month I'll have to take an antibiotic also, as the methotrexate can cause a certain type of pneumonia! All of this just to see if, with this drug added, I'll be able then to either get off of the prednisone, or at least get under 10mg a day. You know, this disease really sucks!!
So the new drug is only once a week. I took my first dose on Friday, and so far so good. I got real nauseous Friday evening, but I think it was psychological. A couple of days of major fatigue, but I have a lot of that anyway. We will see.
Since my sister's visit, I have been eating vegan almost all the time. I have had no meat at all, and no dairy, and no eggs. Okay, other than the tiny bit of dairy in M&Ms, which have been my one cheat! I have had fish four times, but that is all. I'm eating loads of veggies (who, me?), making lots of stir fry dishes with sobe noodles, just a little fake meat (Yves brand, really good),
and a variety of veggies. Yum! I've found this really satisfying. My coffees are all soy lattes, now.
And desert is mostly soy yogurt with some vegan animal crackers. I should point out that my diet until now has mostly been fair to poor, and veggies were not a common food for me. So I'm
pretty pleased about this. And it's been almost four weeks. I haven't had any cake in that time. Wow! Othere than the VEGAN cupcakes I made, of which I only had three or four over several
days. Amazing. Over the last week I have actually purchased the following veggies: squash, zucchini, onions, Japanese eggplant, bok choy, mushrooms, asparagus, bamboo shoots and water chesnuts! I think someone else has taken over my body. . . this is not me at all!! My dh laughed
today when I came home from Wally Mart with three different types of noodles!!
So, why am I doing this? To see if I feel better. And to lose weight. So far, I do feel somewhat
better. I certainly feel virtuous! I HAD lost 7 pounds, but I was up 3 lbs today. However, I think most of that is fluids, as my face was very swollen today. In fact, when I smile big or laugh, my eyes almost disappear between my fat cheeks and my swollen eyelids. Maybe I'll take a diuretic tomorrow. I took one last week and lost FOUR POUNDS in a couple of hours! Can you believe that?
Going back to the performing. . . I will be in a show again next month. It is called "What Is This Thing Called Love?" and it is a cabaret type perfomance. Yes, I will be singing. In fact, this will be the most solo/duet singing I've ever done. I'm excited about it. I'll post more when I know more.
Well, that's a pretty long post, and enough for now.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Just about the cutest thing ever!
This is my darling boy, Benjamin Wilbur (or just Ben) back when he was a tiny little tyke. He is now almost 8 months old, and such a bruiser! I'd guess he weighs about 12 pounds, which is HUGE for a purebred Pomeranian.
I love him so much. I am just stupid for this dog!!
Fours
Jobs that I've had:
1. Home health care RN 2. Singing telegram performer 3. Companion to an 88 year old lady
4. Receptionist
Movies I could watch over and over:
1. Moulin Rouge 2. A Christmas Story 3. The English Patient 4. Liar Liar
TV shows that I watch:
1. Lost 2. America's Next Top Model 3. Project Runway 4. Iron Chef
Places where I have lived:
1. Tucson, AZ 2. Mercer Island, WA 3. Littleton, CO. 4. Baldock, England
Favorite foods:
1. Baked potato 2. French fries 3. Indian food 4. Cake
Favorite colors:
1. Pink 2. Lavender or lilac 3. Periwinkle 4. Light blue
Places I would love to be NOW:
1. Somewhere in Hawaii 2. On a white sand beach somewhere with warm, clear water
3. In New Zealand 4. In London
Names I like, but would not use for my children:
1. Callum 2. Scheherezade 3. Lara 4. Sebastian
1. Home health care RN 2. Singing telegram performer 3. Companion to an 88 year old lady
4. Receptionist
Movies I could watch over and over:
1. Moulin Rouge 2. A Christmas Story 3. The English Patient 4. Liar Liar
TV shows that I watch:
1. Lost 2. America's Next Top Model 3. Project Runway 4. Iron Chef
Places where I have lived:
1. Tucson, AZ 2. Mercer Island, WA 3. Littleton, CO. 4. Baldock, England
Favorite foods:
1. Baked potato 2. French fries 3. Indian food 4. Cake
Favorite colors:
1. Pink 2. Lavender or lilac 3. Periwinkle 4. Light blue
Places I would love to be NOW:
1. Somewhere in Hawaii 2. On a white sand beach somewhere with warm, clear water
3. In New Zealand 4. In London
Names I like, but would not use for my children:
1. Callum 2. Scheherezade 3. Lara 4. Sebastian
Seven Random Facts About Me
1. I am really good at giving shots (I'm an RN, though I'm not currently working).
2. I have always loved looking through catalogs (primarily women's clothing and gifts), pretending that I can buy whatever I want, or I won a prize and can choose items from the catalog. Aren't I a dweeb?
3. I've never, ever been drunk, or even truly tipsy.
4. My favorite colors are pink, lavender and periwinkle.
5. I would never want to change my first name; I love it. But I don't like to be called Roz (pay attention, Dad!).
6. I love napping during the day, but rarely fall asleep easily at night (even when I haven't had a nap).
7. I wave my arms around frequently when I am sleeping.
2. I have always loved looking through catalogs (primarily women's clothing and gifts), pretending that I can buy whatever I want, or I won a prize and can choose items from the catalog. Aren't I a dweeb?
3. I've never, ever been drunk, or even truly tipsy.
4. My favorite colors are pink, lavender and periwinkle.
5. I would never want to change my first name; I love it. But I don't like to be called Roz (pay attention, Dad!).
6. I love napping during the day, but rarely fall asleep easily at night (even when I haven't had a nap).
7. I wave my arms around frequently when I am sleeping.
Just some fun questions from some other blogs
Since no one knows about my blog yet, so no one can tag me, I decided to just answer some of the fun questions I found elsewhere.
1. Name your 2 favourite scrapbooking topics. My family, and old photos of my sister and/or myself.
2. What are the 2 best places you've been to? That's hard. Probably Hornby Island (off of the east coast of Vancouver Island); and Aegina (a Greek island). I also live on an island. Coincidence? I think not.
3. Name 2 things you do every day. Go on the internet. Drink at least a little bit of water.
4. Tell us 2 things that pretty much everyone knows about you. I am really, really silly. I have chronic tummy problems!!
5. Tell us 2 things that everyone DOESN'T know about you. I won a poetry prize in college. I struggle with depression most days.
6. Tell us 2 things that got you into the hobby of scrapping? My parents bought me my starter supplies for my birthday. My sister shared her pages and talent with me, which inspired me.
1. Name your 2 favourite scrapbooking topics. My family, and old photos of my sister and/or myself.
2. What are the 2 best places you've been to? That's hard. Probably Hornby Island (off of the east coast of Vancouver Island); and Aegina (a Greek island). I also live on an island. Coincidence? I think not.
3. Name 2 things you do every day. Go on the internet. Drink at least a little bit of water.
4. Tell us 2 things that pretty much everyone knows about you. I am really, really silly. I have chronic tummy problems!!
5. Tell us 2 things that everyone DOESN'T know about you. I won a poetry prize in college. I struggle with depression most days.
6. Tell us 2 things that got you into the hobby of scrapping? My parents bought me my starter supplies for my birthday. My sister shared her pages and talent with me, which inspired me.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Body Issues
I really need and want to lose weight.
But I don't know if I can. In the past my results with weight loss have been terrible. And I've got more going against me now than ever.
Let me explain.
First of all, I really am a skinny person in a fat person's body. After being a super chubby baby, I became a very skinny little girl. In my teens I topped out at about 115 lbs, 5'2". Pictures from that time show a slim but not skinny girl. Perfect.
Then, in my twenties, I had tons of health problems, and my weight dropped. As low as 95-98 lbs for several years. And I was now 5'4" (yes, I really did grow two inches in my late teens and twenties). Including between my two pregnancies. I was about 97 pounds when I got pregnant with Quiera, gained 44 ish pounds during my pregnancy, and was back to 97 pounds by the time I got pregnant with Tia, less than two years later. I didn't want to be that skinny. And in photos at that weight I look awful. I never had an eating disorder, though people thought I did; I was just very, very sick.
After having Tia (another 44 ish pound weight gain), I did not go back under 100lbs. I stayed between 115 and 125, and I was in fact 125 when I met my husband, which was in late 1996, when I was 34 years old. I look at photos from this time now, and I wish I had appreciated just how gorgeous I was then, and how perfect my weight was!
On my wedding day, in July 1998, I was 130 lbs, and I was beginning to feel that maybe I wouldn't always be slim. The weight was starting to creep on, and that had never happened to me before.
In October 2000, I had a total hysterectomy, because of severe pelvic pain that didn't respond to other treatments. I was around 138 - 142 at that time. And for the first time ever, I felt fat. If only I'd known how much worse it would get, I wouldn't have felt so bad at that weight!! I remember buying my first pair of size 12 pants and stating that I would never, never buy a bigger size than that.
After my surgery the weight kept creeping on. Little by little, pound by pound. I didn't change the way I ate (although I went through periods when I was more careful than I had been previously), and I didn't exercise much either. I have pretty much always hated all forms of exercise. I hate sweating, I hate feeling hot, and I hate taking showers (I have a problem with being hypersensitive to such things as the feeling of being wet).
By the time we came to Washington, in May of 2004, I think my weight was around 155. It went between there and 165 for the next three years. Then came my diagnosis of sarcoidosis, and the prednisone. Right before starting prednisone, I'd lost about 7 lbs, but then had put 4 or 5 back on. So when I began the pred I weighed 164, I believe. That was in June, I think. I now weigh 178, and I have been steady at this weight for three or four months now. I am tapering the prednisone, but the taper is MUCH slower than I was expecting. I am still taking 17.5 m.g. per day, and won't be down to 10 m.g. for another month of so yet. My doctor says I probably won't see any changes in my face (or belly) until I'm completely off it, which won't be for months yet (and there's a chance I'll have to stay on a low dose permanently).
I said I wouldn't try to lose weight until I was off the pred, because it makes things SO much harder. But I don't know if I can stand to wait that long.
At 178 pounds, I feel awful about myself. I am a size XL, usually a 16 in bottoms, depending on the maker and cut. I can't tie my shoes (so I wear slip ons). I can't paint my toenails. Pants won't stay up on me, because my waist is so much bigger than my hips. My weight is mostly in my belly, which is revolting. And my face, well I have the prednisone face too. I don't recognize myself in the mirror, and I hate what I see. It makes me want to cry. I always had a slim face, with cheekbones. Now I look like a round blob, with squinty little eyes peering out of puffy eyelids. I have a prominent buffalo hump, too (fat pad on the back of the neck). I used to have a long, slender neck. No more. I know that most of this IS NOT MY FAULT! I know that. But it doesn't make me feel any better about myself.
I have other body issues, too. My skin has always been dry and thin, and I'm very pale. Consequently, despite sun avoidance, my skin looks older than it should. I have some pretty deep wrinkles on my face. And now, because of the swelling due to the prednisone, I have these lines going from the sides of my mouth downwards. I never had those before. The skin on my face is the worst it's ever been, with weird textures and blotches. Yuck!
As well as being on prednisone, I'm also on coumadin, and have to be on that for the rest of my life (or until a drug company comes up with a better alternative). Consequently, I frequently have bruises on my body. This does not help my poor body image. Neither does my husband saying "you look like a potato," which he did before Christmas.
If I try to come up with something about my body that I like or think is actually okay, the best I can do is say that on a GOOD day, my hair is kind of pretty. On a bad day, it looks like shit. I used to like my eyes, but my eyelids are so swollen, I can't even say that anymore.
I'm hoping that by blogging all this crap, I can find a way to come to terms with it, and figure out what to do for myself.
A few words about my previous weight loss efforts.
In about 2002 I participated in the Self magazine fitness and weight loss challenge. I completed 11 of the 12 weeks, and then I got too sick to finish up. I did not cheat at all. I exercised more than I ever have in my life, and I followed the diet recommendations. After eleven weeks, I had lost NOTHING! Not one pound! And my measurements were exactly the same too!!!! Have you any idea how devastating that was?
My next weight loss was accidental, and by far my most effective. I stayed with my sister for a week, and followed her diet (she wasn't trying to lose weight particularly, but she eats vegan). I was unable to continue vegan after the week, but did stay vegetarian for a little while. In ten days, I lost 13 pounds!!!!!! I was 150 pounds, and feeling good. Mind you, I was hungry just about all the time. But I couldn't find the foods I needed in order to continue with the vegan diet. And within a couple of months, I'd put the 13 back on, plus a few extra.
My most recent effort was in the spring of 2007. First of all I lost 4 lbs in one week by myself. Not sure how I did that. Then I joined Weight Watchers. My first week there I lost A FEW OUNCES!!!!! I mean, different clothes could have accounted for that! Next week, it was the same. And the next week. After a month, I'd lost about 2 lbs. And again, I was so hungry so much of the time. Then I got sick (with the sarcoidosis this time), then it was prednisone time, so I quit trying.
My sister, Rebecca, is coming to visit next month, and I'm going to try real hard to eat vegan with her (except for the vegan margarine, which is gross; I have some lo-cal, heart-healthy stuff that I use). She'll make me walk, too. She's so disciplined. So much the opposite of me. Just like our mom in that way. She feels for me though, I know that. A couple of years ago Rebecca was also on daily prednisone. She topped out at 200 lbs. She had all the same symptoms as me, and some of hers were worse. I look just like she looked then. Now she looks amazing! She is 150 lbs, I think, and wears a size 6 or 8 pants; she carries more of her weight in her chest and upper body than I do (not that she's big at all; in fact, she looks more like she weighs 130).
I don't expect I'll lose 13 pounds again, but even 4 or 5 would be helpful.
I don't think I'll ever be in single digit clothing sizes again. I'd be okay with being a solid size 12, and ecstatic to be a size 10. I wonder if I can do that?
Well, I think that'll do for today. I'm feeling so glum. But hey, this is a start. Getting this stuff out, down on "paper."
But I don't know if I can. In the past my results with weight loss have been terrible. And I've got more going against me now than ever.
Let me explain.
First of all, I really am a skinny person in a fat person's body. After being a super chubby baby, I became a very skinny little girl. In my teens I topped out at about 115 lbs, 5'2". Pictures from that time show a slim but not skinny girl. Perfect.
Then, in my twenties, I had tons of health problems, and my weight dropped. As low as 95-98 lbs for several years. And I was now 5'4" (yes, I really did grow two inches in my late teens and twenties). Including between my two pregnancies. I was about 97 pounds when I got pregnant with Quiera, gained 44 ish pounds during my pregnancy, and was back to 97 pounds by the time I got pregnant with Tia, less than two years later. I didn't want to be that skinny. And in photos at that weight I look awful. I never had an eating disorder, though people thought I did; I was just very, very sick.
After having Tia (another 44 ish pound weight gain), I did not go back under 100lbs. I stayed between 115 and 125, and I was in fact 125 when I met my husband, which was in late 1996, when I was 34 years old. I look at photos from this time now, and I wish I had appreciated just how gorgeous I was then, and how perfect my weight was!
On my wedding day, in July 1998, I was 130 lbs, and I was beginning to feel that maybe I wouldn't always be slim. The weight was starting to creep on, and that had never happened to me before.
In October 2000, I had a total hysterectomy, because of severe pelvic pain that didn't respond to other treatments. I was around 138 - 142 at that time. And for the first time ever, I felt fat. If only I'd known how much worse it would get, I wouldn't have felt so bad at that weight!! I remember buying my first pair of size 12 pants and stating that I would never, never buy a bigger size than that.
After my surgery the weight kept creeping on. Little by little, pound by pound. I didn't change the way I ate (although I went through periods when I was more careful than I had been previously), and I didn't exercise much either. I have pretty much always hated all forms of exercise. I hate sweating, I hate feeling hot, and I hate taking showers (I have a problem with being hypersensitive to such things as the feeling of being wet).
By the time we came to Washington, in May of 2004, I think my weight was around 155. It went between there and 165 for the next three years. Then came my diagnosis of sarcoidosis, and the prednisone. Right before starting prednisone, I'd lost about 7 lbs, but then had put 4 or 5 back on. So when I began the pred I weighed 164, I believe. That was in June, I think. I now weigh 178, and I have been steady at this weight for three or four months now. I am tapering the prednisone, but the taper is MUCH slower than I was expecting. I am still taking 17.5 m.g. per day, and won't be down to 10 m.g. for another month of so yet. My doctor says I probably won't see any changes in my face (or belly) until I'm completely off it, which won't be for months yet (and there's a chance I'll have to stay on a low dose permanently).
I said I wouldn't try to lose weight until I was off the pred, because it makes things SO much harder. But I don't know if I can stand to wait that long.
At 178 pounds, I feel awful about myself. I am a size XL, usually a 16 in bottoms, depending on the maker and cut. I can't tie my shoes (so I wear slip ons). I can't paint my toenails. Pants won't stay up on me, because my waist is so much bigger than my hips. My weight is mostly in my belly, which is revolting. And my face, well I have the prednisone face too. I don't recognize myself in the mirror, and I hate what I see. It makes me want to cry. I always had a slim face, with cheekbones. Now I look like a round blob, with squinty little eyes peering out of puffy eyelids. I have a prominent buffalo hump, too (fat pad on the back of the neck). I used to have a long, slender neck. No more. I know that most of this IS NOT MY FAULT! I know that. But it doesn't make me feel any better about myself.
I have other body issues, too. My skin has always been dry and thin, and I'm very pale. Consequently, despite sun avoidance, my skin looks older than it should. I have some pretty deep wrinkles on my face. And now, because of the swelling due to the prednisone, I have these lines going from the sides of my mouth downwards. I never had those before. The skin on my face is the worst it's ever been, with weird textures and blotches. Yuck!
As well as being on prednisone, I'm also on coumadin, and have to be on that for the rest of my life (or until a drug company comes up with a better alternative). Consequently, I frequently have bruises on my body. This does not help my poor body image. Neither does my husband saying "you look like a potato," which he did before Christmas.
If I try to come up with something about my body that I like or think is actually okay, the best I can do is say that on a GOOD day, my hair is kind of pretty. On a bad day, it looks like shit. I used to like my eyes, but my eyelids are so swollen, I can't even say that anymore.
I'm hoping that by blogging all this crap, I can find a way to come to terms with it, and figure out what to do for myself.
A few words about my previous weight loss efforts.
In about 2002 I participated in the Self magazine fitness and weight loss challenge. I completed 11 of the 12 weeks, and then I got too sick to finish up. I did not cheat at all. I exercised more than I ever have in my life, and I followed the diet recommendations. After eleven weeks, I had lost NOTHING! Not one pound! And my measurements were exactly the same too!!!! Have you any idea how devastating that was?
My next weight loss was accidental, and by far my most effective. I stayed with my sister for a week, and followed her diet (she wasn't trying to lose weight particularly, but she eats vegan). I was unable to continue vegan after the week, but did stay vegetarian for a little while. In ten days, I lost 13 pounds!!!!!! I was 150 pounds, and feeling good. Mind you, I was hungry just about all the time. But I couldn't find the foods I needed in order to continue with the vegan diet. And within a couple of months, I'd put the 13 back on, plus a few extra.
My most recent effort was in the spring of 2007. First of all I lost 4 lbs in one week by myself. Not sure how I did that. Then I joined Weight Watchers. My first week there I lost A FEW OUNCES!!!!! I mean, different clothes could have accounted for that! Next week, it was the same. And the next week. After a month, I'd lost about 2 lbs. And again, I was so hungry so much of the time. Then I got sick (with the sarcoidosis this time), then it was prednisone time, so I quit trying.
My sister, Rebecca, is coming to visit next month, and I'm going to try real hard to eat vegan with her (except for the vegan margarine, which is gross; I have some lo-cal, heart-healthy stuff that I use). She'll make me walk, too. She's so disciplined. So much the opposite of me. Just like our mom in that way. She feels for me though, I know that. A couple of years ago Rebecca was also on daily prednisone. She topped out at 200 lbs. She had all the same symptoms as me, and some of hers were worse. I look just like she looked then. Now she looks amazing! She is 150 lbs, I think, and wears a size 6 or 8 pants; she carries more of her weight in her chest and upper body than I do (not that she's big at all; in fact, she looks more like she weighs 130).
I don't expect I'll lose 13 pounds again, but even 4 or 5 would be helpful.
I don't think I'll ever be in single digit clothing sizes again. I'd be okay with being a solid size 12, and ecstatic to be a size 10. I wonder if I can do that?
Well, I think that'll do for today. I'm feeling so glum. But hey, this is a start. Getting this stuff out, down on "paper."
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