I really need and want to lose weight.
But I don't know if I can. In the past my results with weight loss have been terrible. And I've got more going against me now than ever.
Let me explain.
First of all, I really am a skinny person in a fat person's body. After being a super chubby baby, I became a very skinny little girl. In my teens I topped out at about 115 lbs, 5'2". Pictures from that time show a slim but not skinny girl. Perfect.
Then, in my twenties, I had tons of health problems, and my weight dropped. As low as 95-98 lbs for several years. And I was now 5'4" (yes, I really did grow two inches in my late teens and twenties). Including between my two pregnancies. I was about 97 pounds when I got pregnant with Quiera, gained 44 ish pounds during my pregnancy, and was back to 97 pounds by the time I got pregnant with Tia, less than two years later. I didn't want to be that skinny. And in photos at that weight I look awful. I never had an eating disorder, though people thought I did; I was just very, very sick.
After having Tia (another 44 ish pound weight gain), I did not go back under 100lbs. I stayed between 115 and 125, and I was in fact 125 when I met my husband, which was in late 1996, when I was 34 years old. I look at photos from this time now, and I wish I had appreciated just how gorgeous I was then, and how perfect my weight was!
On my wedding day, in July 1998, I was 130 lbs, and I was beginning to feel that maybe I wouldn't always be slim. The weight was starting to creep on, and that had never happened to me before.
In October 2000, I had a total hysterectomy, because of severe pelvic pain that didn't respond to other treatments. I was around 138 - 142 at that time. And for the first time ever, I felt fat. If only I'd known how much worse it would get, I wouldn't have felt so bad at that weight!! I remember buying my first pair of size 12 pants and stating that I would never, never buy a bigger size than that.
After my surgery the weight kept creeping on. Little by little, pound by pound. I didn't change the way I ate (although I went through periods when I was more careful than I had been previously), and I didn't exercise much either. I have pretty much always hated all forms of exercise. I hate sweating, I hate feeling hot, and I hate taking showers (I have a problem with being hypersensitive to such things as the feeling of being wet).
By the time we came to Washington, in May of 2004, I think my weight was around 155. It went between there and 165 for the next three years. Then came my diagnosis of sarcoidosis, and the prednisone. Right before starting prednisone, I'd lost about 7 lbs, but then had put 4 or 5 back on. So when I began the pred I weighed 164, I believe. That was in June, I think. I now weigh 178, and I have been steady at this weight for three or four months now. I am tapering the prednisone, but the taper is MUCH slower than I was expecting. I am still taking 17.5 m.g. per day, and won't be down to 10 m.g. for another month of so yet. My doctor says I probably won't see any changes in my face (or belly) until I'm completely off it, which won't be for months yet (and there's a chance I'll have to stay on a low dose permanently).
I said I wouldn't try to lose weight until I was off the pred, because it makes things SO much harder. But I don't know if I can stand to wait that long.
At 178 pounds, I feel awful about myself. I am a size XL, usually a 16 in bottoms, depending on the maker and cut. I can't tie my shoes (so I wear slip ons). I can't paint my toenails. Pants won't stay up on me, because my waist is so much bigger than my hips. My weight is mostly in my belly, which is revolting. And my face, well I have the prednisone face too. I don't recognize myself in the mirror, and I hate what I see. It makes me want to cry. I always had a slim face, with cheekbones. Now I look like a round blob, with squinty little eyes peering out of puffy eyelids. I have a prominent buffalo hump, too (fat pad on the back of the neck). I used to have a long, slender neck. No more. I know that most of this IS NOT MY FAULT! I know that. But it doesn't make me feel any better about myself.
I have other body issues, too. My skin has always been dry and thin, and I'm very pale. Consequently, despite sun avoidance, my skin looks older than it should. I have some pretty deep wrinkles on my face. And now, because of the swelling due to the prednisone, I have these lines going from the sides of my mouth downwards. I never had those before. The skin on my face is the worst it's ever been, with weird textures and blotches. Yuck!
As well as being on prednisone, I'm also on coumadin, and have to be on that for the rest of my life (or until a drug company comes up with a better alternative). Consequently, I frequently have bruises on my body. This does not help my poor body image. Neither does my husband saying "you look like a potato," which he did before Christmas.
If I try to come up with something about my body that I like or think is actually okay, the best I can do is say that on a GOOD day, my hair is kind of pretty. On a bad day, it looks like shit. I used to like my eyes, but my eyelids are so swollen, I can't even say that anymore.
I'm hoping that by blogging all this crap, I can find a way to come to terms with it, and figure out what to do for myself.
A few words about my previous weight loss efforts.
In about 2002 I participated in the Self magazine fitness and weight loss challenge. I completed 11 of the 12 weeks, and then I got too sick to finish up. I did not cheat at all. I exercised more than I ever have in my life, and I followed the diet recommendations. After eleven weeks, I had lost NOTHING! Not one pound! And my measurements were exactly the same too!!!! Have you any idea how devastating that was?
My next weight loss was accidental, and by far my most effective. I stayed with my sister for a week, and followed her diet (she wasn't trying to lose weight particularly, but she eats vegan). I was unable to continue vegan after the week, but did stay vegetarian for a little while. In ten days, I lost 13 pounds!!!!!! I was 150 pounds, and feeling good. Mind you, I was hungry just about all the time. But I couldn't find the foods I needed in order to continue with the vegan diet. And within a couple of months, I'd put the 13 back on, plus a few extra.
My most recent effort was in the spring of 2007. First of all I lost 4 lbs in one week by myself. Not sure how I did that. Then I joined Weight Watchers. My first week there I lost A FEW OUNCES!!!!! I mean, different clothes could have accounted for that! Next week, it was the same. And the next week. After a month, I'd lost about 2 lbs. And again, I was so hungry so much of the time. Then I got sick (with the sarcoidosis this time), then it was prednisone time, so I quit trying.
My sister, Rebecca, is coming to visit next month, and I'm going to try real hard to eat vegan with her (except for the vegan margarine, which is gross; I have some lo-cal, heart-healthy stuff that I use). She'll make me walk, too. She's so disciplined. So much the opposite of me. Just like our mom in that way. She feels for me though, I know that. A couple of years ago Rebecca was also on daily prednisone. She topped out at 200 lbs. She had all the same symptoms as me, and some of hers were worse. I look just like she looked then. Now she looks amazing! She is 150 lbs, I think, and wears a size 6 or 8 pants; she carries more of her weight in her chest and upper body than I do (not that she's big at all; in fact, she looks more like she weighs 130).
I don't expect I'll lose 13 pounds again, but even 4 or 5 would be helpful.
I don't think I'll ever be in single digit clothing sizes again. I'd be okay with being a solid size 12, and ecstatic to be a size 10. I wonder if I can do that?
Well, I think that'll do for today. I'm feeling so glum. But hey, this is a start. Getting this stuff out, down on "paper."
